Voices for the Unheard

Have you ever felt unsee, unheard, misunderstood, or unaccepted?

Have you ever felt left out of communities if you don't compromise yourself?

Have you ever felt completely alone?

Today I am sharing my daily struggle of being cast aside by society and feeling silenced for being different. I couldn't conform even if I tried. I have had an instinct of self-preservation by simply observing and absorbing the world around me, other's energies and social commonalities. I believe I did this as a form of protection in a constant state of survival as I had a traumatizing childhood. From aggressive, tumultuous fights to separations to staying in hotels & strangers houses to raising myself with neglectful parents to living in over 19 houses and always being the "new girl," I studied others intently, ignoring my own needs and desires, to know how best to respond in difficult situations. I cracked my head open 1-2 years old from falling down a spiral staircase at the house my parents were renovating and could have died. I was bullied and made fun of for my name, appearance, quiet demeanor and the light I carried with me even when I didn't notice it. It threatened those around me who didn't have their own. You can imagine with that type of childhood I wasn't able to establish many friends, and the ones I did typically "moved on" from me for reasons which I still don't understand. And all I ever wanted was a close-knit friend group to call family. I only ever wanted a sense of community. 

The lack of security and a number of trials and tribulations I had undergone from toddlerhood to adulthood made it improbable to thrive. This led me to miss the chance to explore and really focus on what I want, causing a detachment from my true self and following the path that I happened to be on, living the life that was happening to me with no real control over where I was headed, though I had sight of a bright future for myself, but no way to get there. I knew I wanted to be around animals and living close to nature as those were the only constants in my life growing up, so they will forever hold a dear place in my heart. I would not be alive if it weren't for my animal friends and nature to sit with. Further, society tells girls (and boys, of course) to be ideal and exaggerates aspects of their appearances, behaviors and relationships. On top of this, for as long as I can remember it has been difficult for me to produce the right words and to express a thought, feeling or idea appropriately, especially in front of those who I don't feel comfortable around. My internal world is much more complex than what anyone could guess. Ideas, images and feelings bounce around much more rapidly than I can explain sometimes. For most, they speak with hardly a second thought though for some individuals, we exert a great deal of effort to share what is happening inside our minds. Now, this does not mean our thoughts or voices are any less important than neurotypical individuals, or those who have had a more peaceful upbringing. We have similar contributions to make, simply less tools and opportunity to use for bringing them into the world. Sometimes we are so shy and bottled up that we learn to listen and observe at a young age as a trauma response, that this is all we know how to do since we didn't get enough practice growing up. I remember never raising my hand or wishing to speak in class, even if I knew the answer I would have a harder time trying to explain without stuttering, pausing or losing my train of thought, so I would happily sit and listen to all my other classmates ramble on for minutes at a time as long as I didn't have to speak. I still shake at the thought of public speaking. That is a fear I'm trying to overcome. See, I did everything alone, I played alone, I completed homework alone, I practically lived alone, I was on screens most of my childhood or outside roaming around. To this day, I like to go places alone because I've had to, and I now don't classify myself as 'alone'. My spirit is a whole other being I'm hanging out with for most of the day haha! My best friend. And so are my furry and scaly companions because let's be honest, animals don't complicate life like humans do. The time is coming where I must socialize and travel to new places again. I am an extroverted introvert. I get along with everyone and can chit chat, though it seems to be a waste of time. I think working on art or meaningful projects with pals is a much better usage of time. When a person grows up listening the majority of the time, they naturally learn a great deal more whether it be about hierarchies, societal norms, generalized notions, attitudes towards subjects, and universal patterns, even other's secrets when you pick up on certain cues, expressions and how their background has shaped them into who they are. One could say I was carved out to be a leader, having studied humans, their 'whys' and comprehending the outer frames of painted pictures. I used to be concerned with minor pieces to a puzzle, and asking specific questions, but at the end of the day I found it to return as the same lesson/understanding to be learned. such as "why is this happening to me?" We pick up on the smallest details that, say, an extrovert would glance right over. We are very keen on surroundings and the emotions of others and find deeper meanings than what words can describe. I suppose I am keen on thoughtfulness on why "it" is the way it is. This. The world. Reality. Me. Life. The Youniverse projected from the mind. There's more to it and I'm making sense of it, that is, finding key causations and sharing root solutions. From a small, narrow world to an expansive, endless mindset. How the tides have shifted. I'm like a mole rat which doesn't know how to stop digging on humanity's issues, which are a reflection of my own since I am observing them. This is a strength most would consider a weakness. We must learn to use this personal attribute as a superpower in our daily lives because when we speak, you know it matters and it adds value to a conversation. We don't speak unless we know for certain it will contribute or make a difference to a debate, decision, or conversation. We think very carefully and spend time internally piecing together what it is we plan to say, therefore, we can anticipate the effect our thoughts will have. I will not stay silent anymore. I have seen enough. I have experienced enough. I have had enough. I do not like chit chat. I am a big thinker, and I discuss ideas and progress in all areas, not the latest statistics in sports or the new show everyone is talking about, because I'm not around others much to catch wind of it anyway, thank goodness. 

My mother and brother made fun of me and still to this day put me down, ignore me, and they don't want a relationship with me. They are jealous of my power and have tried to steal it from me for years. My father is a codependent, submissive man and couldn't stick up for me or himself, but when he gets angry he will say some pretty outrageous things and call you some absurd words. You see, my parents had the most toxic cycles that they would repeat over and over and over. 

I lived in a house with 3 major karmic people that I've been trying to break free from for the past few years once I learned this information. All I wanted as a little girl was to be a member of a loving family and do all the family things like go on camping trips or vacation somewhere or play board games, sit down and eat as a family, watch a show or movie together, anything that showed they cared to be in each other's company. I would mention doing these activities together only to be dismissed time and time again. You can't force people to care about you or to share love with you. It took me 24 years to learn that lesson, the most valuable of all. Don't waste your time on those who don't want to give you any of their precious time. 

When I was a young girl age 3 to 9, I remember playing alone the majority of the time and creating internal dialogues in my head. Building fantasy worlds and images in my mind was a pass-time for me. I became very good at speaking to myself internally, rather than sharing with others because I really only had myself to listen. One could say I was groomed to be a listener. Well, at a point, one grows tired of hearing what others spit out and develop the knowledge and the confidence to show their true intelligent self to the world. When there is no more room to hide, you are forced to stand up for yourself, speak out against injustice and allow others to, for a change, learn from you. You have earned it. We must assert ourselves, our ideas are worthwhile. You will be doing the world and yourself a disservice if you choose to remain silent. When you speak up after being called shy, quiet, or reserved, you know it must be important.

I am positive the world needs to hear from all walks of life more often, from neurotypical to neurodivergent, abled and non-abled, all ethnicities, all sexualities, all beliefs, all occupations, so on.

This needs to be normalized where all types of people should be embraced. Their perspectives should never be criticized because they are different than what's normal. They should never fear prejudice or discrimination due to being classified under marginalized identities or being different for the culture in which one lives. Conformity, disobedience, oddity is all circumstantial to time and place. It says nothing about you as a being. We all have internalized struggles we battle with each day; bullying, harassing, ostracizing, or worse, violence, against these unique individuals is contrary to progress in society. All voices need to be heard. We must fight against bigotry and carry on with love and encouragement.

This is your power. Own it.

I understand because I have been there. The awkward, shy, loner child in the back of the class. I didn't know how to maintain friendships or have "normal" conversations with my peers. I couldn't act as the preps and jocks or the "populars". I played no sports so I had no teams. I tried making friends with "lesser" groups and people, the "nerds", the "scene" kids, the "weirdos", the "quiet" or "dumb" ones. And screw the bullies. Even then I still found I wasn't like anybody else. At the time I thought I was just, wrong for being me as I was made to feel by family, "friends," peers & coworkers. Boy, was I actually wrong.

I never knew I was on the autistic spectrum until I was 22 years old, and I learned just how much my childhood trauma of complex PTSD impacted me not long before then. We are learning more about ourselves with each passing day. From being neurodivergent, another word for autistic, and displaying traits of autism, I was an outcast, always on the outside looking in to the crowd. I was always nervous, carrying a great deal of social anxiety from switching schools often. I constantly felt out of place in school, with family, at my jobs, and even in the general public because we live in a socially driven, fast-paced world which is extremely intense and overwhelming for people like us. Over the years I did develop other comorbid disorders due to lack of coping strategies or healthy outlets. I had to figure things out on my own. I did not have support, resources, or guidance. I have major depression and anxiety and it affects me to this day. Further, I may have bipolar tendencies. I am not afraid to admit that I received traumatic brain injury at age 2 from falling a whole story and landing directly on my head cracking it open. It was a miracle I survived. I developed learning, language and memory problems. I will admit I have never been diagnosed or tested for these conditions from lack of insurance and medical care, but I have gained a sense of self-awareness to study and analyze my own behavior during interactions with others and my surroundings. Maybe now I can thank the injury for the perceptive worldview I have gained. I have always lived in fear, in survival mode. Not anymore. I am freeing myself more everyday, forgetting what others may think.

Another reason for feeling out of place was because I grew up in Christian-dominated institutions when I was an atheist (now I consider myself to be very spiritual, more than the average person). When all your friends would attend church twice a week and attempt to "enlighten" you to Jesus' love and guidance, or losing friends because they thought you were dangerous, those kinds of instances have a particular affect on an individual. Really all you wanted was to be appreciated as you are. That you can have fun and enjoy life for being human, but that is not enough. I have always been an alien, I am just waking up to my true being. These are a few of the reasons why I treat all people the same, I smile at everyone I make eye contact with, I chat with all people as I would anyone if the opportunity arises, and I speak up where I see inequality and cruelty. Just because you may not follow a religion, does not mean you have any less humanity than someone who does. If you choose to be a positive influence and do good each day, you are a good person.

My family wasn't involved with religious identity. My mother claimed to be Christian, though she didn't do the Christian things. They didn't seem to be spiritual either. My family never understood me or even tried. I was always too much, too sensitive, too weird, too needy, too dramatic, too thoughtful. I was neglected. I was ignored. I was alone. I do love them, but I had to accept that they will never comprehend why I do what I do and that is okay. We don't need to be anything like our families. My parents and my extended family all stand as republicans because that is where they are comfortable. I went to a liberal college. I have observed both sides. I have been tore apart for having certain views and my education background blamed for it. I choose no sides. We must remember that this is a Western thing. There is always a middleground. We do not need to follow the path family lays out for us, ever, if we do not want to. If you think differently than your entire family, just maybe you are meant to be an example. To live and speak your truth.

I'm still trying to understand my confusing, sometimes downright depressing past and I don't know if I ever will.

To create a more diverse, egalitarian world, we reflect on the self and our own behavior, releasing fear and expectations, being friendly to everyone, no matter where they are classified. Which, classifications, identification and defining of humans is a problem in itself but this is a topic for another post. When an entire group's needs, voices, and contributions are left out of discussion, reality is shaped to fit a select group of people. We have many unrepresented kinds feeling invisible and voices being silenced. We know this. This is about humanity's calling. The unheard have the most to say. If we have the ability to speak for those who need it to most, like children and animals for example, it is our duty to protect them with all of our power.

To feel seen, heard, understood, and respected is the best way to feel as yourself. This is a human right. We must rise and hold our power together. We are feisty, fierce, and ferocious for what we choose to fight for.

THEY WILL HEAR OUR ROAR.

Roaring defensive tan lion with yellow eyes

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